Friday, May 30, 2008


There is something about that first day of summer that you can feel in your face. Something relaxes. No more schedules. No more alarm clocks. No tests to study for and forms to sign and return.

Windows open all night long.
The train at midnight, blasting loud and long but so far away it's only a faint reminder of the world that still exists outside of my dreams. I smile and sink back in.
The morning, the birds.
Opening my eyes to the sound of the pad, pad, pad of the lone early runner down our country road.
A new whole day all stretched out, cool but never cold - then later, hot, slowing us.
Green things growing, the whole earth moving and changing and waking up to live.
Coffee on the front porch.
Children all within my grasp. Finally, bored. Finally, weaned from television and the constant noise of school they slow and spread out within themselves. They become wider and deeper because the days are about hours now. They are no longer pressed thin to fit into the sliced-up minutes of a busy day. They think, and dream, and draw.

So do I.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Countdown to the Shower

Having lots of people over to my house!
Invitations and everything!

The husband is alarmed that I haven't cleaned much. Dust and stuff.
But I'm waiting for that adrenaline rush that comes when you only have a few hours left. You know exactly what I'm talking about.

There'll be that moment of panic, and then it'll be a crisis for an hour, and then it will be over and time to party.
Way better than dragging the whole cleaning thing out over several days don't you think?

Me too.

The First

So I find this gray hair on my head two days ago.
It totally shocked me.
My mouth was open and I was leaning in towards the mirror, trying to see if it could POSSIBLY be real. I had this weird thought pass through my brain (quickly), that maybe it was somebody else's that had sort of wafted through the air and landed on my head.
And stuck there.
Yeah, it didn't make sense, but there was that moment of confusion.

The thing is, I don't think anybody really believes that they're going to get old. I mean deep down, do you really think it's going to happen? It's like none of us think we're going to die. I mean, how bizarre is that - to die, and not even be here anymore? Nobody believes it. Intellectually, of course. But in the front of your brain?

At some point it's thrust upon you, and then you have no choice to believe it. But wouldn't we all freak out and run around in circles frightening the neighbors if we really really really believed it?

I saw an old friend of mine today. I think of him as a friend, although he was really my spiritual director and so the whole thing was kind of one-sided. I loved going to talk with him because he was the only person I ever knew who only wanted to hear about me. Being a self-centered person, I really liked that. Anyway, he sort of helped me to be honest with myself once upon a time, and so after all that deepness it's always been kind of awkward to have small talk when we occasionally meet. It seems better to say only honest things.

So I saw him and gave him a big hug and I looked at him and he looked all cool and he had more gray and he was older, and he had this great smile on his face. He just looked good and I told him so. Then I added, "You are aging well," and he smiled and nodded because he knew exactly what I was saying even though it came out sort of blunt and weird.

I walked away having a mental conversation with myself as is often the case after I open my mouth in public, and I'm just rolling my eyes at myself thinking, "You're AGING well?" Just what every 40-something man likes to hear. But honestly, as with most everything else, it was a statement having to do with me. I looked at him and he was happy and peaceful and cool. He's right in the same boat with me, but he's doing okay with it. No running in circles. No frightening the neighbors.

That's what I want.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Basil Update

I transplanted ten of them today into little clay pots.
I hope I didn't kill them.
Who would like a basil plant???

Talent Show

Twin boy and middle child.
They wowed the crowd!