Friday, August 15, 2008

Lesson in Coolology II

So if you ill-advisedly purchase something from a very expensive,
teenager-haunted mall store, and then you proceed to return it, (you knew you would), do not feel smug in the fact that you are handing the very young, thin, buff male cashier the same chic bag that you bought your items in, and have helpfully included the pristine cash register receipt, right on top of the still-folded clothing items that you are returning.

Do not smile your 40-ish face at this young man, expecting him to enjoy the easy transaction, and hoping he isn't inwardly sneering at what was your vain attempt to Be Youthful and Fashionable, and also hoping that he doesn't know the dismay you felt at home when your arms, which heretofore you believed were relatively thin, could not be jammed into the sleeves of this wretched garment.

Because you never know what he could pull out of that bag when you hand it to him.
It has been sitting in the house for awhile now.
He could pull out an action-figure, or a Barbie torso, or a lint-flecked gumball.

Or, he could pull out a pair of Victoria Secret underwear.
Oh yes.

And because he has already summoned the store manager for the return,
when he pulls out the Underpants,
there is another young, attractive man present to view the spectacle.

Do all three of you stare at his hand, cupping the tiny, still-tagged piece of fabric, uncomprehending?
Oh yes.

At the moment of dawning, do you brighten visibly and say,
"There they are!" and pluck them from his hand, which remains upwardly cupped for a stunned second or two afterwards?
Oh yes.

Do you stuff them into your open purse, and smile placidly at the young men,
pretending not to notice the look that passes between them?
Do you calmly accept your adjusted receipt and walk out with your head held high?
Oh yes,
Oh yes,
Oh yes.


Diane said...

ha h ha ha - a CLASSIC!!

What was the store?

Kulio said...


Lisa Yik the Chick said...

Laughing so hard, but I know at the time you were just dying so I feel a little bad while I'm laughing!!!!

Joann said...

Laughing!! Are those the undies you bought on our yaya weekend? Don't tell me you returned the peacock shirt!!

Kulio said...

Nope, I got the peacock shirt (man that sounds weird). Yep, those were the undies I got - I thought I had lost them!

Found them.

Glad you're laughing Yik!

Michelle said...

Holy Kudiddle. Yichie Wa-Wa. I would've just released pee and free armed everything back into my purse and walked out shining red. You're a rockstar! ROCK- STAR.

Kristy said...

Hey there!
Thanks for stopping by my blog...I'm always sort of surprised to find that people actually read it! Glad to hear from you...prompted me to slip over and read some of your posts. Love love love the one about going to the playground after dark...and about the shoes. Your children are is your writing. So happy to have found your blog...I'll be back!

Kulio said...

hahahaha....okay Michelle, I am laughing so hard....

Kristy said...

Just read your popsice stick house chores post.

An idea I will steal when my children are old enough to do more than spill, dump, pour, and puke.

KEK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kulio said...

Kristy - I have to give the credit for that one to The Husband. Can't believe with all the "methods" I've started, this one we're actually still using!

Hey man, start 'em when they're tiny is my advice - like pulling teeth later on - just put a little picture on the end of a stick - they'll love it.

Molly said...

Oh my word, that is so embarassing but funny too!!

Kelle said...

On the floor laughing! Oh, Heather...this is so Cryderman! And you worded it so perfectly. I have to go back and read it again. If I come to your blog and you only have one post or even worse...none...I get bummed out. I like a cup of coffee and a good several to a book. Love you!

cjs said...

here's just a few reasons why I think you rock...

you're a rock star.

you're a mom and you shop at hollister. (not that this is at all a prerequisite for being cool. I just think it's cool that you went in there to buy a shirt, whether it fit or not.)

you buy VS panties on your yaya weekend.

you're honest and brave and real and raw.

much love,

kudos on the word heretofore, by the way. I was impressed.

Heidi Lee said...

Oh my word. This is hilarious!!